Hi Tasha, please help me share this with the community. I need advice, should I marry my boyfriend with this behavior?
💌 Dear Naija Girl,
When women ask, “Should I marry him despite this behavior?” it’s usually not because they don’t know the answer—it’s because they need validation that their pain is real.
So today, let’s talk about relationship red flags, emotional abuse, and the difficult choices many women face when love and logic no longer align.
Here’s the raw message I received. Please read carefully:
I’m really confused about my boyfriend if he’s worthy of getting married to.
We are in a long-distance relationship, we hardly see—maybe three times a year—but I think the only reason we’re still together is because of the distance. Every time I travel to see him in Enugu and stay for 2 weeks, my feelings for him fade.
On my recent trip (after not seeing him for a year), I decided to stay at his house to handle a personal project. For the first 4 days, everything was fine. I brought my own money, even gave him ₦1,000 each time he bought food for us. I didn’t complain. I didn’t eat much because I hate junk food and street food makes me nauseous, but I endured.
After I finished my business, I lost ₦150,000. I was devastated. When I’m sad, I go quiet—not angry, just withdrawn. That’s when the insults began.
He said I’m useless.
Compared me to his friends’ girlfriends who “cook and care for their men.”
Complained that his friends couldn’t come over because of me.
Mocked me for not “caring” about his home.
Said, “What is there to marry?”
Told me to leave his house in the morning.
Said he’s confused and doesn’t see the point anymore.I recorded some of the hurtful things he said. He seized my phone and deleted the recordings. Later, he denied calling me “useless,” even though he said it multiple times.
I didn’t fight. I stayed calm. Later, I suggested cooking for him. He gave me ₦5,000. I cooked his favorite things. When his friend came over, I treated her well, and only then did he smile and start praising me again.
But he collected my phone and deleted all I recorded.
All through, I was just quiet and smiling because I don’t even know where to start replying him and he was very serious, his face was in a fight mood, I don’t wanna talk because I really don’t like problems or fight. Then later, he said I must say something, he seized my phone, and almost made me loose a deal.I just kept quiet, later when I started talking, he denied having said USELESS, something he mentioned more than twice and apologized swiftly.
All his accusations were wrong because the reason I didn’t cook is because he has no single food at home and hes the one always complaining he has no money, so I just taught that, I wouldn’t make my stay to disrupt his life, he knew I hate eating outside, and the fact that we buy food is something I am enduring, because the foods makes me nauseated each time I eat them. He knows how much i cook for him when he comes visiting me, I will cook several things, what I can’t even eat myself due to financial problems, I am the one always fighting him to cook that Junks are unhealthy. But just because I was pitying him, I didn’t bring up the idea of cooking, he accused me of being useless, he said I’m the one to bring up the idea as a girlfriend, bla bla bla.
Later that day, I brought the idea and he gave me 5k to the market, I cooked and did everything. I didn’t buy a single food I could eat (I don’t eat pasters), because the money isn’t enough, so I just bought foods he likes and made a nice sauce. His friend came visiting, I packed foods for her and did normal. His friend called him to relate how I treated her, this is when my boyfriend started filling extremely happy, and thanking God for meeting me, saying nice things.Since then, he has been saying stuffs of how much he’s been gifted to have me bla bla bla, to me, whatever I have for him has greatly reduced, because I don’t know the Essence of the relationship, because to him, its a roleship, where I must do my roles and if I miss, he won’t even think why could I have missed it, if its intentionally, was it because I’m sad, the next thing he would be saying is if we should break up or not. Now, this is someone I never compared with anyone, I don’t even compare people, I just do normal to him, like I will do to a brother, plan for him, etc, yet he compares me all the time and wants me to live like the other average girls that are using iphones.
I told him yesterday that since he wants a roleship, he would also man up, and for the first time in our 5years relationship, I started behaving like the normal girls, I asked him for money to make my hair, he doesn’t have, I asked him for money for cream, he doesn’t have and he has been angry because I told him I don’t care whether he has money or not, since I must do my roles, he should also do his roles, and for the first time I also compared him and told him what men are doing for their girls.He has been frowning and sad since I said those words to him, because they are deep, I just served him exactly what he did to me. I’m not happy, I’m doing that to him, I’m even sad I’m telling him all these because this is not me. I’m still going to make him realize how useless he is in my life, absolutely useless, and that is the truth, since he sees our relationship as a role one, then hes useless.
I can’t marry him like this, God forbids, someone who can’t endure due to the situation of things and understand, and he wants me to understand his own and endure for him, its not just possible for me, and he’s good at talking, abusing, bullying, etc.
Hes the one that will tell me to snap pictures for him, I will tell him I don’t have clothes, he will say ‘’Go and Buy now’’, He will bully me with my hair and compare it with that of other girls. He wasn’t broke before the lockdown, but I didn’t collect money from him because I want him to achieve and grow with the money, so that by the time we get married, he would be financially very okay.Please should I marry this kind of Man? I really don’t know why I should because it seems his happiness towards me, his affection and romance is dependent on fulfilling ROLES in his head.
Let’s Break This Down, Sister
This is not a post about “cooking for your man” or “long-distance love struggles.”
This is a masterclass in emotional manipulation—and sadly, it’s a familiar story for too many women.
🚩 Red Flags You Should Never Ignore in a Relationship
Verbal Abuse
No one—man or woman—should ever call their partner “useless.” It’s not a joke. It’s not “just words.” It’s emotional violence.
Comparison to Other Women
Comparing you to “his friends’ girlfriends” or his “cousin’s girlfriend” is meant to belittle you and make you feel inadequate.
Withholding Affection Until You Perform
He only started showing you love and appreciation after you performed the role of the perfect hostess to his friend. That’s conditional love, not real love.
Financial Manipulation
You used your own money, pitied him for not having food, and he still criticized you. That’s exploitation, not partnership.
Gaslighting
He called you names, denied it later, then deleted the recordings. Classic gaslighting behavior. It’s meant to make you doubt your memory and feel “crazy.”
Lack of Empathy in a Crisis
You lost ₦150,000. He didn’t comfort you—he criticized your mood and turned your pain into a weapon.
Possessive & Controlling Behavior
Seizing your phone, interfering with your business deal, and demanding you “say something” while angry—those are early signs of coercive control.
🧠 The Psychology Behind His Behavior
Men like this thrive on two things:
Your silence (so they can twist the narrative)
Your forgiveness (so they can repeat the cycle)
They alternate between emotional abuse and love-bombing, keeping you trapped in a loop of guilt, hope, and confusion.
❓Should You Marry Him?
NO.
Marriage does not fix abusive behavior. It magnifies it. The version of him you’re seeing now—the angry, manipulative, selfish version—is the real him. The sweet moments? That’s what he does to win you back after breaking you down.
💡Dear Naija Girl, Know This…
You deserve:
A partner who protects your heart, not bruises it.
A man who treats your sadness with compassion, not confrontation.
A lover who sees you as a blessing, not a burden.
You do not exist to prove your worth through cooking, silence, or sacrifice.
What Would You Do?
Let’s talk about it, sis.
Have you ever been made to feel like you’re “not enough” in a relationship?
What helped you walk away?
What advice would you give our sister here?
Drop your thoughts in the comments or anonymously via our Dear Tasha Form.
Sweetheart, if your heart feels tired every time you try to love someone, that’s not love. That’s survival. And women like you were not born to survive—you were born to shine.
I hope this helps you and other women who are still questioning their worth. 💛
With All My Love,
Tasha
